The Accident

I drunk your drunk. I swept away your words. I breathed the air that abruptly stole your last. I didn't mean to stop the ease of perfection. I swear I just went along. Emotion somehow engages us and marries our measures. I now am unable to cause anything because I'm caught up in this craze called life. Forget this and you have forgot nothing. In the end we remember this notion in sorts. It feels like there is a necessary apology but apparently it's the unforgivable that keeps us mad.

I tried to unfind

You won't go away.  I run.  I sleep.  I push.  I drink.  I eat.  I JUMP.  You are still here.  I break myself into pieces and only come up with a puzzling answer.  None of it makes sense.  I cash in and and no one will give me change.  I stand there.  I beg.  I beg!!  I just want a little trust.  Honestly, if you gave me what I ask for, I would be back at the beginning.  You gave me the end when it all began.  Trust you that I believe me. 

My major minor

I told you to stop and your voice kept on wrangling.
I read you a story and your heart stopped pounding.
I breathed and you bled.
I screamed and you found.
The hole that you dug grabbed everything and nothing.
I searched like I had seen.
My premonitions were my dreams.  My dreams were as tangible as my driving.  Of course it seemed otherwise but you steered off road.
Complacency set you free for the moment.
You cried the tears of refuge and begged for all answers.
When you awoke, there was nothing but smoke and shame.
I criss-cross your eyes and dot your toes.
The jinks of the janks have kept you subdued but now that you are broken - I brand you: subservient.
Good luck in your travels and fear only the beast.
You speak as if you were angled when all they see is this perfect circle.
I bow to you just like the others - out of discipline and societal reasoning.
Never will I succumb to this eternal death.
The only ones that really die are the ones that lose their shadow.

Girl Power

I have been deduced by the former and regarded by the interior.  Please escape the ladder and fall out.  I have nothing to give except the things that I have been forgiven.  Therefore, no one will have redemption.   Speak softly.  You're voice is piercing and it's in all the wrong places.  Your face makes me cringe and I should love the bird that you are.  Your health sickens me as it is in the best of predicaments.  Please hold your tongue -- it may be your only good forturne.

The house of the house of the house of

I walked along the dirt path and looked for quartz stone.  He told me The quartz stone was precious.  I was so lucky.  Every step that I took I saw what I thought was quartz all around me.  Every time I took this path it was the same thing - Quartz.  I walked back the same path to the house.  The house is in sight now and I feel safe.  I am not alone anymore.  My rocks are with me but they serve only as glory.  They do not hold any protection.  I am looking for you.

I was wondering if you would like to come teach me how to roller skate on the porch.  You Velcro my skates around my shoes.  The little switch on the bottom allows me to be known or not to be.  You always let me ride with the cling.  I was known.  I was known to me and you and it mattered.  That porch served as years and years of purpose.  I can never remember a time where we couldn't all fit on the swing, no matter how many of us there were.  I watched you water the flowers.  You watered them until it was dusk.  Every time I water my garden, I think that I am slighting them.  The amount of time that you tend to your greens - I am falling short.  The other side of the porch served as a kitchen where I made things that only we knew how to eat.  It took a stomach made of one hundred stomachs to digest our recipes.

There was a bus that used to take you across our country.  It sat in the brush.
There were acres and acres of the apple orchard.
There was a cherry tree that we could reach from the door that fell to the patio.
There were grape vines that we were forbidden to eat from.
There were berry bushes.  PLENTIFUL berry bushes.  Raspberries, strawberries, BLUEBERRIES.
There was an apricot tree that we climbed.  I never saw an apricot grow but you said that there were apricots when it first arrived.  That means there were.  I just happened to miss it.  I don't like apricots too much anyway so I am not disappointed.

We had our rocks.  Our special rocks that we sat on and one was royalty.  We never proclaimed this.  It was just known.  I never did not sit upon this rock - ever.  Not because I'm better but because that's just how it was.  I was the eldest and I owned it.  I would let people sit on the bottom lip of the queen rock and that's where they remained.  Never would they cross the line and challenge me.  There would never be any hoisting for little ones.  I ruled over this kingdom and I knew it.  I played it cool though.  I didn't want to "Hitler the place".  I wanted them to feel like they had a choice in the matter.

They didn't.  They were there but they were just existing...passing time.  I was living it.  I lived every moment and breathed only the air that went through numerous inspections and was placed before me.  It was the air that was meant to be there.  There are few memories that I have in my life that sucks me back into the moment and I am swept away.  I am on that rock.  I have no fear or need to compete.  I just know that this is where I am allowed and this is my spot.

My hand touched the outside of the home.  My hand was hugged by every inch.  You built this with your own hands.  I felt your imprint with every hand I placed upon this house.  This house was not just a structure, this house was a home.  Our families soul was enraptured.  I feel it in my dreams and I can't shake it.  You and you and you are always and forever.

The Other

The first time I laid eyes on her I was completely taken.  She took me to somewhere I had never been.  She stood there with her lips pressed against the mic singing of things that I could not even hear in that moment.  She held her guitar more perfectly than I could want her to.  I stood in front and studied everything about this person.  It can't be possible that I am having these aching feelings of lust.  I have a boyfriend that I live with and we will one day be married and have children together.  And now all of the sudden I'm standing here face to face with a girl.  I am in love with her.  I'm a lesbian?  Aren't we born with this shit?  How did I not know?  I watched their whole set and near the end I start thinking of ways to get her attention without seeming like a stalker.  I hope my life partner is not picking up on my new found love.  I was trying to play it cool.  As the band was packing their gear up, I saw one of my guy friends talking to her.  I walked up to him and he hugged me and introduced me to my crush.  We talked for a little while about where they were from and how they got on the bill for this show.  She asked me why I was there and I explained that my boyfriend was in the band that was headlining.  She didn't seem impressed.  When my boyfriends band came on she walked up and stood next to me.  This wouldn't be the last time we stood together at shows.  We became friends.  She became the best friend that I would ever have.  I stood up for her, fought for her, I made people bleed - all for her.  This was all in the name of friendship.  She had no idea that I was head over heals.  What did she do for me?  She got high off me sticking up for her and it made me more subservient.  She would one day show me how much our friendship meant to her.  Which I learned very quickly was very little.  I had no idea she was capable of remaking me forever.  She did and I am now me.

I like my Dickies

The two of us fly from Juneau to Seattle.  From Sea-Tac we hoof it to his cousins house.  We are staying with his cousin and her girlfriend before we begin our drive back east.  By the time we get to their condo it is almost dark.  I'm starving.   I have not been in a restaurant or any "establishment" for that matter in eight months.  I have been in Alaska on an island that populates less than a hundred people.  I hope I have something else besides Dickies and a sweatshirt to wear.  I dig.  I don't.  When we are ready to leave, all four of us are pretty much wearing the same thing.  We get in the car and start driving.  STOP!  Oh my god, oh my god!  I haven't been in a car in eight months.  These people are driving like maniacs!  As we drive out of the parking lot, I grasp the back of the drivers seat.  I peek over the drivers shoulder and see that we are going 31mph.  It feels like we are going at least 65.  Fucking speedometer must be broken.  I can't shake this roller coaster sensation.  We pull up to the bar.  Thank god.  I get out of the car and try and compose myself.  I'm not hungry anymore.  I need a drink.
We meet our friend, Arlo from the cannery.  A familiar face.  I'm a little more at ease now.  We walk into the bar and sit at a table.  The whole place is blue.  Everything including myself take on the color of the bar.  We order drinks.  They ask for everyone's ID.  I'm 18 so I order a coke but I come prepared.  I drink half my coke and then discretely fill the rest of my glass with bourbon that I carry in my Nalgene bottle everywhere.  We drink and tell stories of our adventures in Alaska.  I'm tired.   I lazily walk back to the bathrooms.  I wash my hands and look in the mirror.  I'm about to turn around to open a stall door but something catches my eye.  Work boots.  Than I see another pair of mens shoes facing these work boots.  Oh shit- am i in the wrong bathroom?  I'm in the god damn MENS room.  All of the sudden it was like someone pulled ear plugs out of my ears.  How the hell didn't I notice this before?  The stall is shaking and and their heavy breathing is making me feel like I'm being raped.  I walk out of the bathroom to go to the ladies room and as I pull the door open - I notice I am in the ladies room.  Great!  My bourbon filled bladder is about to explode.  I walk back to the table to explain my predicament.  Mid-explanation, Melanie bolts toward the restrooms.  It's a straight shot from our table.  We watch her march.  Her every step is made with great intention.  She's going back there to kick some ass and escort them out of to their slightly missed destination.  Damn!  and thank you.  I finish telling my boot knocking story and Melanie sits back down.  She looks like hell.  Melanie says "I kicked the fucking door in and my girlfriend is making out with some dude."  Seven years in a relationship and this is what she gets.  I'm drunk and ready to go home.  Melanie's girlfriend and dude walk outside the bar.  Finally, I can pee.  We walk out of the bar and there stands hooker girl waiting to apologize.  They start screaming and we say goodbye and take the bus back to the condo.  We pack our bags, walk back to the airport and wait till morning for our car.  If she would have just worn heels maybe the whole night would have been different.